I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
