After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
