Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
