He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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