well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
