There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize