i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
