please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
