if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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