I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
