My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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