Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
