i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
