I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude i'm inner monologue high
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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