life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is not my ceiling
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
zippers are such a cool invention
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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