Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
