I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
