If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
