Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
