Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
