i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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