he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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