oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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