nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
soo... how was my night?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
