i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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