Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize