My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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