If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
