fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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