if i can run in heels then i can drive
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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