I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
