It's like a parade of train wrecks.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
