Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize