I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
