Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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