woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
