which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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