you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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