Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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