my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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