I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Someone shattered a urinal.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize