My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
