dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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