She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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