he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize