we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
