So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
