Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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