If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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