I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
