Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
