im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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