woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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