New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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