Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
