So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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