So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
